Match Report

It get’s no better just because you think I’ve been squeezing creative juice since Monday, or squeezing the lemon till the juice runs down my leg. This week we enter the realm of Greek Mythology and Phobias. A tangent away from the happenings of Saturday afternoon and evening, I’m sure you’ve waited a lifetime to hear about.

Taken from the laminated book of dreams, laminated so you can wash away the tears of joy is the story of Argos. Hades (Not to be confused with Hay-Edies) demanded that Argos pay for their insolence and vanity and would releases the Kraken if the fair maiden Elizabeth Duke was not sacrificed. Employees lurking in the vast expanse of a near empty warehouse retreated to the labyrinth filled with chip butty eating hunchbacks, tramps and other employees to plot their revenge. A bit like the changing room on Saturday, but less pungent and less plotting. The Kraken caused about £16 worth of damage damaged and ruined a lot of nice gold effect clocks for the mantelpiece,. So goes the stories and Greek legends now for sale with everything else in Greece.

This was the first attack on high street retailers, which has since continued with the attack on the 9/11 convenience store chain with a series of low flying aircraft crash landing among those fish ball things and the crisps of many flavours you’ve never heard of. Attacks which have been blamed on the Australian freedom fighter and terrorist, Locky “Ned” Hughesy, on account of him having a suspicious walk. A walk that no real man should never attempt.

Overheard on the touchline this week; Nobody in this team should be called a genius, except that bloke Norman Einstein – Swatts. You guys pair up in groups of three then line up in a circle –Waz. You’ve got to get your first tackle in early, even if it’s late –Beevers. If I’d been a winger, I might have been daydreaming and thinking about how to keep my kit clean for next week – Manu. I thought I’d have a quiet pint… and about 15 noisy ones. Jamie K.

We expected more meat and veg to tackle this week and had quite a lot of both, including the vegetables. The game plan was discussed, players primed for action and determined to pull a win out. Early on we managed to keep DB pinned in the 22 and managed a long period of pick and drive, sprinkled with the odd penalty move. Early on we were not making headway and the practice moves had been forgotten or missed from not turning up for training. During this period there was a notable error when Fab forgot to tap the ball forward and the whistle and ball went to the opposition. Since Frank was in attendance it is time for a FACT, in 1867 the town of Alton gave the world the expression “f**k all” when a drunken solicitor murdered an eight year old girl named “sweet Fanny Adams”.

We maintained pressure down in their half and 22 for some time, eventually taking a penalty and Ginger Coles clonked it over. Mr Coles suffers from Tapheselachophobia, or the irrational fear of being buried alive with a shark. A fear that led to him wiping out all sharks within the Minehead area, except for Ol' Chompy, the two ton monster that may or may not exist. Thirty minutes in after a build up further pressure Mr Coles went over for a try and managed to convert this one as well. Did I mention he suffers from Contreltotapheselachophobia or the fear of being sexually molested by a shark while being buried alive with it. I suspect this is more a weird Somerset fantasy than a fear however. DB managed to get a try back and converted, leaving us 3 points ahead going into half time.

Into the second half the game was evenly matched, but we were in control and had them pinned at times. DB pushed us down into our half, Nick went for a box kick which bounced in space behind their forwards, in a foot race Nick go his knee to the ball and it bounced towards the 22. Catching the ball he was tackles and offloaded with a showboating overhead pass. Fabien who had been tying his shoe lace nearby was able to catch the ball and go over. Mr. Coles clonked another over for a 100% record for the day, this out wide. Deipnoselachophobia, the fear of having dinner conversations with sharks, candles, too much wine shortly before some Contreltotapheselachophobia a conversation about respecting her in the morning and a fag. DB got another try and conversion and we had an even last quarter making and losing ground on both sides.

It is time to mention the embarrassing ruck incident. I caught something about “gerroff my land” from a Vegetable and some blows to the head followed by “Gurt sum” which is Somerset for “get some”. There followed an amusing footballers collapse, and equally amusing footballers springing to the feet (like a salmon in footballer parlance) and explanation to the ref. then something about a noose, me fookin noose. There is no more to say. I do not wish to have a  hostile crowd of carrot crunchers carrying torches and pitchforks leaving a popular drinking establishment in Wan Chai baying for my blood and chitlins.

The game settled down and it could have gone either way. The team played well and held on for the win. Final score Typhoons 17 – DB Pirates 14.

There was much beer and celebration with another hamper of winners beers. I cant remember who MOM was, Quinny I think, but it may have been shared. Rocky was fined as well. Those who stayed on joined Mr Keane for his 57 birthday celebrations, which included some beer, but no cake.