Match Report

This week saw the mighty Typhoons squaring off in a three cornered contest with Gai Wu. The game was played on the historic ground of Aberdeen, which is conservatively built on the remains of a former Roman coliseum discovered on the same spot in 1934. But first we start with the age old question; is France quite a miserable and unhappy place or is it g@y?

Saturday saw both plan A and Plan B take to the park in a clash tempered with some beer injury from the night before. Late arrivals were blamed on being held up by the Duke of Westminster and the Duchess walking arm in arm along the pavement, causing a 50 yard tailback. At least I think it was them, who else but them would block the pavement with a romantic shuffle to Aberdeen. Anyway this week, can you see if you find see any reference to socks, the often neglected attire for any gent.

After 5 years absence from the field of play and probably 10 years since he did any exercise, Mr Keane has invited the Guinness book of records to measure him as the stiffest man in Christendom. His upper lip, usually stiffened as a Brit, was the only thing apparently wobbling with the pain experienced trying to pull on a sock on Monday morning. It is unknown if this is all he managed to wear into work. The other sock was apparently still hanging over the bedpost, to measure wind speed around his w@nking chariot. As a note of interest, like any good special interest film, a male participant should sport a moustache and wear at least one sock during the good bits. It is expected that Guinness will have seen bigger stiffies in a morgue and dismiss the attempt. However, we wish him luck, but stiff ankles are no good for the nude figure skating he loves so much.

Vickery, Born in Benmark, Order of Stalin, united colours of Ben Elton he was ostracised from his native land, for it was forbidden to speak of the amulet of Ganier (brown up to the wrist watch), consequently he was raised by a pack of wolves. Ben is known to share a den or iniquity with a sofa that has seen more action than a 1970’s special interest greater diamond back sock. Due to his upbringing he is also able to put two socks behind his ears and clean himself. In addition there was the long missed appearance from Dean “Brian May” Geary who also stayed on for at least 10 minutes before his grade A listed hair was in collision with a small Chinese gentleman. There was also the welcome return of Chairman Tim, who has recently recovered from his addiction to Yorkshire Tea bags, consuming over a pack a day. “I couldn’t get out of bed without drinking tea”, he said recently. He had a wake up call when he was found wearing a pair of French socks in a queens bedroom. He has since confronted his demons and is now “off the brew”.

Plan B had a magnificent array of players to choose from, with no subs and several people fooled into playing 10 minutes, which is coach speak for about 80. Pre-match warm up involved several surgical bandages and deep heat, along with a speech about keeping it simple stupid. Guy was asked to put une sock in it. I’m not sure who that was, but I’d say Manu.

The game kicked off and the forwards began to move. This lasted a few minutes, but they did manage to get in the way of everyone which was a bonus and curse. As a development game, aimed at teaching up and coming players the ways of Webb Ellis, it was unfortunate that Biffa Bacon was also out that day. Gai Wu were not penalised for some unethical play and there was some momentum towards retribution. Playing the ball on the ground is not allowed, unless the referee doesn’t see it. Similarly late tackles, high tackles, use of the shoe and lifting players bodily by their vegetables. There appeared to be some aggression that was misplaced by the opponents, so it was not a friendly as it could have been. But in the spirit of learning, Saturday’s lesson was about biff and doormats. In order to set a high bar Plan B held their nerve, tempers and wedding tackle to produce another fine Victory. I think we got 2 or 3 trys and the first conversion of the season from Nick. Anyway Plan B won. Manu nearly got one as well, but I’ll not say anything except 5 yard scrum.

Plan A were up next, benefiting from an extra hour in bed, they looked fitter and ready for something momentous. Failure was not an option as there was only one esky and it now contained winner’s beer. This month sees several players sporting facial hair to various degrees of success (Jordi is struggling with some HB pencil marks), but it is noticeable that Mr Quinn has combined his attempt with his love of food. The MacDonald’s “M” arches in fluff, and several days worth of cake, biscuits and snail tracks. You may sponsor a lip, it’s all in aid of men’s bits. It’s also a fitting point to mention that the Dutch are the world champions at Korfball, no, pah.

The game looked to be a camping expedition into their 22. Their defence was good, but it would eventually crack. The game plan, whatever that was, appeared to be working and we looked to be in control and in puff throughout. Can I just mention that Manu knocked on in this game as well? There were some good individual and team efforts moving the ball up the park. A bit more of that misplaced aggression and attitude was present from the opponents. They lost; it’s about playing the game.

The score was 22 – 5 to Typhoons. I can’t remember who scored, but they were made to drink beer. Plan B MOM was Chris Johnston. Jason Coles broke his kicking drought and has changed his percentages from 100% to about 7.5%. Several first game virgins were fined and welcomed. Luckily all were victorious and the esky was full to the brim with winners beer. A fine day