Match Report

With my flask filled to the brim, I set off expectantly for yet another afternoon of fantastic rugby. Fooling myself it would be different this time. Fabiens series of really bad haircuts would improve, Nico would not be involved in another posthumous love affair or granny sh@gging incident or the Fresh Prince Charles would be able so stop a tackle. It was the same as always, resorting to scalding my own testicles to stay awake, I watched the game through watery eyes.

With the final days of looking at Keratin based fibres on the lips of our team mates fast approaching, have you considered that the humble cockroach can consume hair? Using the keratin to build a hard shell. Something to consider while you are contaminating the rest of us with your lips of flaking dandruff, Freddy Mercury fan club and food crusted foliage. You are responsible for indestructible insect vermin. Still with a good wax on wax off on Wednesday it will all be over, I do prefer the "Sambuca flame off" as the spectators favourite removal method. The only other hair fact of note is the Canadian hairless, apparently this is a Toronto bald pussy. I have no pictures at present. For those still interested in hair facts, I don’t have a mohair jumper either. It is however a good effort, I think.

Bored with the game, it was time for useless facts. Do you know the badger is the fastest digging animal on earth? It can dig faster than a man with a shovel, which does raise the question, should they be kept alongside pit ponies and canaries in a mine as a rescue animal? They live off a few handfuls of worms it would save weeks of Chilean Mine Rescue Action programs. 40 blokes sit in the same undies for 6 weeks singing and sans papier. Badgers do have an excellent sense of smell, which may rule out south American mines in general or France however. This Saturday I was brushed by the wings of something dark. The dark lord of the apocalypse has returned. Which got me thinking about Alcock and Brown, the first homo’s to cross the Atlantic and go down in a bog in Ireland. It could have been so different, grandfather Beevers could have made the flight with Brown, but Brown preferred Alcock. If only he was a bit bi-plane, there could have been a famous flying Beevers. Still he lasted a bit longer on the pitch this week, which was a shame. We had a few new faces, the Hughes brothers the short one keeps calling the other one dad, just to embarrass him. Also, Andrew Rees who is also taller. Quinny made an appearance sporting his trade mark chest wig and tash, despite the austerity measures back home. He was about to show me his craic, but three or four hard shots from the slipper made him go away. I had a conundrum this week you may wish to consider also. You come across two Frenchmen drowning, but you can only save one. Do you a/ continue reading the newspaper, or b/ go for lunch? It reminded me of the Phil Collins song “coming in the air at night”, rather than Phil coming in the air at night which would not be savoury. I can still hear “merci monsieur, aieee”, but I am unsure if I will have the same success with a Christmas single as the cheeky cockney w@nker.

Captain Coles gave one of this unprepared speeches, we nodded and wondered if the groom was happy with the mother in law jokes last time he tried it. Dreadful, monotonous, dross, tedious, morose, he needs to be neaten with a sticky pizzle. If only a comet had ended it all at that moment, but no we kicked off and it started. We took a bit of time to get organised and firing, DEA pushed us back early on eventually getting the ball out wide and getting over the line. It was more of the same and again the ball went wide and there was a score in the corner. We got ourselves more organised and began to hold the line. In the second quarter the forwards produced a good platform to pass to the backs, with a good angle and a dummy, Lord Beevers was able to break the line and had a clear run under the posts. Coles was able to clonk over for 2 points. We were back in it, until they scored another two in the corner. Half time we were 7 to 22 to DEA.

The second half was more evenly matched. Some good defence and the forwards started to grind away with a size advantage. We made several yards with pick and drive, only to lose it. We didn’t give up, the ball was carried bodily into the 22, several drives later Randy managed to pick up the ball and fall over the line. He spent hours after the game saying he had ran the entire length of the pitch beating everyone. No conversion this time. The rest of the half was spent scalding myself in vain, keeping my eyes open for a glimmer of talent. Just a shame the ref didn't believe my lack of flag when we went out of play, even after my efforts to watch.We didn’t get any more, but kept a clean sheet and looked like we were nearly there a few times. Final score DEA 22 – Typhoons 12.

Since there was kitty from new members, several boxes of beer were bough and fines levelled at virtually everyone. I can’t remember who the man of the match was, Waz gave an award for someone doing what he was told. Mo of the week was Warren. I think some pictures were taken. For those who endured, there was also a ladies hockey match to watch. They use sprinklers because the game was so hot I was told. We saw the ladies hedgehog on a few occasions and they lost as well. They wouldn’t blow on my scalded bits, or show the hedgehog close up, so we called it a night.

NEXT WEEK WE PLAY C***. We need players and supporters to stick one up C***, so be there.

C