Match Report

A one, a two, a one two three four, it is probably that time of year to warn about the almost deadly “landshark” or the more accurately described very dangerous “landshark”. As you are aware it is possible on occasion to be victorious in a game. The word victory was of course loaned by the English from the French “vitoire”, as they never needed the word. This is the practice of hat trick scoring players being stripped, a large sheet of flaming cardboard clenched between the cheeks and them being carried aloft while people throw beer. It has not happened yet, but we apparently scored a try on Saturday, so don’t say you were not warned.

There have been complaints that the match reports do not actually mention anything about the game or the history of rugby, it ends today. The drive by shouting has to stop. Rugby was started by cavemen stealing dinosaur eggs and running back to the cave. Unfortunately too many fat props were lost in the “early years” being the slowest in the herd, they were easy pickings for the much lighter and faster T-Rex. Fearing a fast back dominated game the props banned rugby for millennia. Until some posh kid picked up a ball in defiance of bully Bunter Carstairs and the game started anew. Rugby has been long associated with British Public Schools, the players are know as Rugger Buggers - bugger being a popular extra-curricular activity in some Public Schools, whereas it forms an important part of the syllabus in most.

In British Comprehensive Schools, Rugby is usually known as 'fighting'. Only England and members of the Great British Commonwealth play proper rugby (with the exception of Australia who don’t like the queen), whereas the other foreigners, like the French make a mockery of the game. Then there are the Argentineans, with their greasy hair, silly dances and bad breath.  

We saw even more new faces this week, Charles the 1^st and 2^nd and Tom. Charles claims he is but a poor man from the land where the palms grow. He sounded like he was from France to me, the land of merde du chien. It’s like saying Toxteth is a quaint little fishing village near the sea. We also saw Smally make a magnificent return, proving life is too short to be Small. Chris Chau seldom gets a mention, but I’m sure I saw him having a piece of paper slipped under his back legs by a Filipino in Wan Chai. It just wouldn’t snap off, he stopped some traffic before a few backward swipes from his feet and he moved off. New shorts this week and we look like we have a near complete kit, there are some people who just cant carry off any style however, the French for example.

It was just time for the captains speeches and this week was a beauty. Are you ready kids?.. Aye aye Captain… I can’t hear you ….  AYE-AYE CAPTAIN… Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?... Sponge Bob Square pants…. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he…. Sponge Bob Square pants if nautical nonsense be something you wish… Sponge Bob Square pants… you get the picture, for the love of Patrick enough already, we cannae take anymore captain. With that we moved off to play.

We started well and had good formation for the rucks and contact, spreading to cover in defence and lining up for the ball. We moved up into the 22 and with a chip and chase Keelty went over for 5. Jason, “last chance for rhubarb 200 yards on the left” Coles, missed. Within a few minutes we were again threatening the score-line with a back line move, inside ball from Keelty and Roy went over for 5. Jason “Hanging baskets 2 for one” Coles, missed again. In the first quarter Phoons were dominating, good scrummaging, line outs worked a fair amount and there was good interplay (nice word there). Smally kept talking, his favourite phrase being “sorry guys”. Towards 15-20 minutes in, Sebastian made a break from another back line move to score for 5, Jason “last chance for asparagus before the motorway” Coles managed to get this one in front of the posts, with minimal windage and a tee on firm ground. The second quarter was more evenly matched and Causeway Bay after a lot of internal niggle eventually scored one in reply and their kicker got the conversion. Half time we were looking at a 17 -7 lead.

Nico began the half time speeches in much the same vein as before, with a lonely rendition of “I’m a goofy goomer, - you’re all goofy goomers - hey” in a vacuum of silence and blank looks. Turning scarlet we went back for the second half. Did I mention that Yannick never flushes the chain… Is the Joan of Arc barbecue set any good?; and is it true that French cars break down 1 day after the warrantee expires, or you get your money back guaranteed? That’s supposing the car isn’t burnt out on the way to the show room or in your garage by rioting pensioners.

Second half and it was more of the same, plenty of work to keep the score line and pressure to defend and make the most of attacks. It was fairly even, but some frustration was beginning to show with CWB. In the last 20 Randy did his impression of the dummy from Saw II and came off with a humorous cheek. We went uncontested and put some skinny people in the scrum. Whether it was increase pace but we started getting a few more chances. CWB’s indiscipline gave away a penalty, Jason “punnets of raspberries first right” Coles clonked it well wide. Towards the end we found some fire in our bellies, from a tap penalty Nico “the great white landshark” @rse went over for 5. Plucking some grass to test the wind, Jason “pick your own horse manure” Coles Missed. In the last two minutes an alleged high tackle from Roy on a circus midget resulted in some handbags and a yellow for Roy and a red for some violent Frenchman. There was one more try before the end. Charles managed to get one over after a play through the hands and a run. Jason “never seen again after turning off for gooseberries” Coles, wait for it…. Missed. A terrific record for the day and an inspiration for the props to brush him aside and toe poke it with g@y abandon.

In the last two minutes an alleged high tackle from Roy on a circus midget resulted in some handbags and a yellow for Roy and a red for some violent Frenchman. There was one more try before the end. Charles managed to get one over after a play through the hands and a run. Jason “never seen again after turning off for gooseberries” Coles, wait for it…. Missed. A terrific record for the day and an inspiration for the props to brush him aside and toe poke it with g@y abandon. Do we need another fly half? I've seen the signs...

There was much rejoicing, beers were opened and spilled and songs broke out and fines were issued. Man of the match was Smally. A long time away but he kept up with play, organised the forwards and battled through. Honerable mentions to the forwards for grinding away and getting clean ball for the backs to exploit. And also to the backs for catching a few and running in some tries. Also, a big welcome to the new boys who turned up. We have Gai Wu next, it’s too late to get as fit as them. We just need to train simple, so turn up. Final score 27-7 for Phoons.

Blesiloe this weekend. Come on Samoa . Go well.