Match Report
This week there was a mission impossible raid on the memoirs contained in the Swiss bank vaults of one of our oldest and longest serving Phoons. There are other equally old and long serving who are apparently touring the world as we speak in one of the most debauched trips ever attempted, but I have no time to mention the threesome today. It is too appalling to even contemplate. Anyway it has been some time since there was a character assassination, and this week we move to the Alps. Hidden in secret for several reasons, mainly because they are tediously boring and irrepressibly drab and uninteresting, but from the 28 volumes of Schmid “a mans life”, it was possible to boil down the entire works to a single paragraph, the interesting bits are as follows: Born close to Trampsfhart, he changed his surname from shidht to Schmid after some name calling by a big girl called Heidi. Despite appearing to be a grown man nearing the threshold of middle age, he still claims to be 19 years old. His father, was a prominent cuckoo clock beak maker in Trampsfhart before going to jail after a shellacing incident with a milk maid. His first sexual experience occurred when he was 14 years old when his Uncle Wilhelm entered his bedroom late one night and performed the magic flute. Smidt’s brother runs a laminating business. There are four volumes on the process, but this is all I dare write. By the late 1980s, he worked as a dancer, in 1992, he was chosen to be one of the dancers in the video for Rhythm is a dancer, but had to pull out the day before filming when he developed an eye infection from contact with French dog faeces. He took a job at Klub Helmut Cheese in Geneva, initially working as a urinal. He was fired in 1996 for splashback and moved to Hong Kong. This is a long winded way to say he hurt is arm on Saturday and acted like a Swiss poof.
This week there has been some political discussion in America on the events leading up to 9/11.“This is just like Pearl Harbor”, “What is Pearl Harbor?”, “That was when the Vietnamese dropped bombs in a harbor, and it started the Vietnam War”, ”Did they kill a lot of pearls then?, “ Yup, I think so, these Commie pinko’s just came in and bombed a whole bunch of molluscs without any warning, the sneaky sons of beaches. We ain’t going to take it sitting down, lying down or with our feet behind our ears.” The first part of this is a real conversation, overheard somewhere in New Jersey. There’s only one person I know who lives there. Did I mention Quinny being late, what a dunderhead. He comes from Craggy Island, which will explain a few things. Beevers worried about overshooting and being awake, came 2 hours early. It pays to read the website for all the very latest news and gossip. Becks was there letting off doily carts that were definitely not carbon neutral. Andy was telling us about being so poor up north, his granddad gave him a dead pigeon with rigor mortis and two milk bottle tops glued to it’s wings and told it was a spitfire. We couldn’t afford a pigeon in Liverpool. Apparently Viscount Clarke was taken out with uncle Binky for a spin in a mark 3. I was thinking Cortina, but he mentioned a barrel roll and you only do them coming off a motorway embankment at speed or getting a ram raid reverse all wrong. We had our Canadians back, which are almost American, only with a slightly different accent. Playing up in the forwards, all game was full of “Yo dude, it smells of ass in here”, and “no man, that’s definitely doody”. You can only thank your lucky stars and stripes Frank and Nico’s ass was not playing.
So what about the game, breaking with convention I intended to do a proper report, then got bored and summarised it all like this. Constant was pulling some blokes hair, which proves he is taller than Smally who can only reach as high as a Chinese burn on the ankle. Andy made a great run, but then pretended he was looking for the off-load. This roughly translates to fat Bunter with muscles powered by gravy ran out of steam after 30 yards, slowed down and fell over. I’m not sure what sort of gravy he uses either but it’s all wrong. We had a line out move that actually worked, off the top from Jay, Thomas D came through the blind channel and beat some little bloke to score. Constant kicked the conversion. That’s all we got mind. The game was close and we played well, there was a try difference for most of the game and it could have gone either way, if only the French could run and the English had more gravy. It’s probably the best we have played. We look to be playing better as a team and some of the weird contortionist Dutch things we have been doing in practice look to work on the pitch.
Final score
Police 19 Typhoons 7
Man of the Match was Jay
Honorable mentions to Constant, Thomas D and the team
Next week we have Causeway Bay. We need manpower and if we play like the police game we should be well on top.
C
