Match Report

1st XV
1. Dimitris
2. Chris C
3. Nico
4. Tim
5. James Clarke
6. Thomas G
7. Allan Newsome
8. Claudio (C)
9. Jensen
10 Jon K
11. Dan Vart
12. Dru Han
13. PA
14. Yannick
15. Guy E
Reserves: Smally, Roy G, Xia, Thibaut, Fabien, Jeff Le Blanc

2nd XV
1. Waz
2. Chris C
3. Ott
4. Bambi
5. ?
6. Tony S
7. Xia
8. Tim
9. Jason Orange
10 Jon K
11. Daniel
12. Thibaut
13. Fabien
14. Andrew Dawson
15. Jeff Le Blanc
Reserves: Pierre, Allan N, Jensen, Dru, Scott, Guy E, Clarkie, Thomas G

You are warned this is massive due to the the monumental event which took place on Saturday...

It was a day that will live in infamy, no not the day the Germans bombed Pearl Harbour, Fokkers, but the day Typhoons put two teams out. 22/11 mark it well. Before I start over at Aberdeen, someone spilled Cat Port all over my lovely copper plate, so the match report for the firsts could be worse than usual. But who cares about the first team result... They put all their eggs into this 80 minute beating. The French were particularly belligerent this week calling me Grande Nez, Rosbif or some such nonsense. You need to watch The Holy Grail to taunt properly in French, amateurs. Clarkey turned up in his Italian designer ware, Gespachio Pancheta, looking every inch a gentleman and good enough to eat. If you like small hairy spuds. He as just spent several weeks in his Tuscany villa shooting beaters and kicking servants. It's true joy having the upper crust playing for us, slapping your face with leather gloves, looking down their noses and spitting caviar at you. I'm often get thrashed for having the chuzupska to speak out of turn or forget to tug my forelock. For some of you it doesn't matter if you were born rich and if you are going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you; take aim on the rich boys. Get them in the cross hairs and take them down; Or one day you will be beating pheasant at Clarkesville castle and the next you will be peppered with bird shot. Vive la revolution. Alan Newstead was upset this week however, his Kestrel, Kes, didn't come home. Holding out his finger for hours sobbing, "Howay man Kes, where are you man?" It appears that apart from a dozen brace of pheasant, 2 partridge, a woodcock, a foot man, the huntmaster and his horse, some bloke walking his dog and the dog there was also a kestrel on the "bag" list. These toff's are a law to themselves.

Having attended Friday afternoon Sunday school, one thing I've learned is the Christian act of charity is punishment in itself. This was one reason Jeff never got a leaving present, but the main reason was he kept it quiet. We wish our short American friend good luck in his hairdressing business or whatever bum troubler activity he's in. Gareth was back to spectate with his badly barked knee, turning up to have people stand in his way as well as being forced to carry water on the pitch. Dan is considering switching sports to a bob sleigh, he has the speed, but he needs someone with dreadlocks, because he's seen cool runnings, a fat weighty bloke for corners and a daredevil pilot. Dan is looking for a pram wheels to start building his practice sled and is looking for some blokes to sandwich himself between, in his lycra suit with the tail cut out. Debate was raging over furry animals as national emblems,"Ah struth, in this day and age, you can't have furry animals as your symbol. Mate, it should be a guy... on a motorbike....um, on fire.....jumping over a pyramid of beer cans," said Drew Han. Followed by "Yeah, sounds like a good idea. Maybe a big snake, like a Boa constrictor. A big boa could swallow a kiwi without choking , no worries," said a Ginger Aucklander . From France, answers were typically revolutionary "Zose bloudy Anglish. Ze symbol of France should be a silhouette of an Anglish raferee 'angking from a nooze," said Parisian local Paul-Antoine Elvsaremerde. The source of the recent bacterial infection has been isolated by a crack team of boffins this week. The strain of virulent bacteria is believed to have South American origins, usually found up the "wrong un" of a lama, however the scientists are baffled how it has managed to get onto the pitches. If you know anyone from south America, who's breath smells like a lama's @ss, has played at Happy Valley recently and who spits a lot, please contact the laboratory immediately.

The game against Kowloon was a tough match. We played well, but were beaten by the better team on the day. "I was pleased by our defensive effort, it took 17 minutes to concede the first try." The first half we had a few chances and breaks, but we couldn't find the imagination, even to punch someone in the face. Their kicking was better in the set piece and by half time we had conceded 3 try's and 2 conversions. Going into the break at half time we were 19 nil behind. The scrum was under pressure, but we looked reasonable at the line out. The backs were evenly matched and there was some good defending a tackling going in. The second half started by conceding a penalty early on. In reply Andy Han linked up in a back row move to go over for 5, Nico managed to convert. The next 30 minutes were mainly one way traffic with a series of tries. The consolation at the end was Roy managing to get over in the last minute. There was a good effort and plenty of heart, but we went down in the end. I was asked to mention that PA passed the ball, whatever this means.

Final Score
Kowloon 51 - Typhoons 12

Onwards and upwards for the main course. Names will go down in history, history will turn to legend and legend to myth. Did Typhoons put out a second team game? For those who were there, they can tell their grand children, yes, Typhoons played rubbish rugby for the first time. Our Captain stole the words of the Trojans and plagiarised others, "Typhoons, all my life I've lived by a code and that code is simple. Honour the god's, love your woman and defend your country. Typhoon is the mother of us all, fight for her.""Ask not what Typhoons can do for you, but what can you do for Typhoons". "Let us gird our loins, for this is our finest hour"."He that shall live this day, and see old age, will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, and say 'To-morrow is Typhoons day:' Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars and say 'These wounds I had on Typhoon seconds day.' Old men forget, yet all shall be forgot, But he'll remember with advantages what feats he did that day: Then shall our names. Familiar in his mouth as household words Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter, Humphreys and Evans, Ott and Shale, be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd. This story shall the good man teach his son; And let us not forget that Gent and McKevith were watching New Zealand in Cardiff. "Yes. Fight and you may die. Run and you will live, at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance to come back here as young men, and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but the will never take our freedom?" Luckily the appearance of the Cat Port shut him up.

Kowloon had arrived short on the battlefield and several turn coat first team players decided they would "assist". Even during Christians rendition of "food, glorious food, cold turnip and custard" at our huddle, a purple bilberry of a player appeared to heckle. Clarke's card was marked. Winning the biggest shout before the game the team moved out onto the field. Straight away the game went uncontested and T2 realised we had quite a lot of useless weight in the front row, some more useless than others. The game was evenly matched, Waz like a water buffalo caught the rabbit of Thomas G several times with some stonking hits. Late or early, the Frenchman paid for his treachery. Christian was seen past the point of walking and was standing in anticipation of the ball moving his way. The second row power house was a sight to behold, age has not withered them that much. Orange was there passing the ball and wishing he was fitter. Before long Typhoons were under pressure with a break and link between full back Judas Erricker and Newstead. The Typhoon winger Dawson was like a sieve and Newstead managed to get the ball down, which was converted as well. Heinous. It didn't take long for our French mustard to show what they could do. A superb back row move, jink and link, dummy and pass and Fabien was away like a gazelle. Typhoons were back in with a try. The rule of no kicking was being largely ignored by everyone and fines were flowing, even captain Orange was guilty at one point, but not as guilty as that Judas full back that Kowloon were playing.

Time for half time and some more port and fines. T2 were two behind, which is OK if your watching a mucky movie, but no good in a game of rugby. I have no idea what was said at half time, but is was inspirational and all the captains own words this time, "erm right ,Go men." It was also a lot drier than the other captains speeches and fired up we moved into the second half. The second half was sublime. Typhoons rested when they needed, passed when they had to and defended like lions. Kowloon managed to score another from one of their home grown players. It was time to step up and be counted. The fans were going wild on the sidelines by this stage, Gareth had brought some warm beer. Once again the French legionnaires looped and dodged past the opposition, with Thibault getting over for a magnifique try. Next with a move worthy of international status the wingers broke free with Daniel B getting down, only to have his try disallowed. A controversial decision, did his foot go out of play or was the linesman dodgy? Players were battle weary and there was only 10 minutes to go. After a word with the ref it was agreed that the next try should win. The next part pains me. The forwards who had provided the platform and power house for the backs to run free, were at it again pounding the Kowloon lines, then the ball went wide of the ruck and with a jink, Claudio went over. It was disallowed for some infringement I couldn't see, but with some discussion the referee reversed his decision. The try was allowed in case we had to play another 10 minutes.

Typhoon B had done it. A Victory

Final score Typhoons B 15 - Kowloon Oldfartonians 12

There was much rejoicing, tears were shed and Port, beer and Tequila drank. The French wanted to kiss everyone and there was much whooping from the Americans, almost a nightmare, but a fine day for rugby. Well done chaps. It was a long day, but with some great team spirit.

Luckily I am away next weekend, so the report will be shorter, Allez l'Phoon