Match Report

Starting XV
1. Bruce B
2. Chris C
3. Manu
4. Phil B
5. Tony Shale
6. Xia Chen
7. Allan Newsome
8. Claudio
9. Jensen
10. Jon K
11. Daniel B
12. Fabien
13. PA Guy E
14. Yannick
15. Roy G

Bench:
Smally
Pierre Francois

Head Coach: Waz

Skils Coach: Jeroen

It is usual to start with some Balderdash and flummery and this week is no exception. But first a few for words. i/ Forflitten, ii/ Forglopned, iii/ Forroast and iv/ Forslug. This should leave the foreigner cursing the thin dictionary they bought at school. But each was used on Saturday and may need explanation now. i/ Overwhelmed by unreasonable and out of proportion scolding. ii/Overwhelmed with astonishment. iii/ To torture by roasting. iv/ To neglect through laziness. It has been the subject of debate that Dan bruises like a peach which explains his yellow brown appearance and weediness, however stunned spectators on Saturday were amazed by Mr Shale bruising like a cantaloupe. His knee had found it's long lost lumpy twin. With this medical conundrum being hidden for so long it is possible half the team are part fruit or vegetable, your call. But more amazing was the revelation that America was named after a Welshman. Both Americans and Welsh have tried hiding the fact by blaming Mr. A Vespucci, however Richard Ameryk is the culprit. As a wealthy merchant in the late 1490's he sponsored the voyages of John Cabot, who duly named his mapping of the North American coast after his benefactor. Thus it is now possible to include the Americans into the Welsh brotherhood. There is still a comprehensive "no Welsh" policy in the club, if I could link the French in also it would be even better. Please feel free to to advise on the Franco Welsh connection by calling the Welsh or Frog hotline.

Thus the side was depleted for our first game against Valley, those who forslug the game due to stuffing in too much turkey; or the bones of turkey, if you are Dr Allum and needing the rhythmic Heimlich manoeuvre from BA during Christmas dinner in front of the wife. The grunting, gasping and heavy breathing are to hideous to contemplate. Forroast? Oh and a trip to hospital, cheers, port anyone? Then there were those afraid of being forflitten by the perfumed one. A poor excuse as there has been weeks of perfecting some verbage to escape to the first game of the season and put your man trousers back on."Excuse me dear, where's the cravat, I'm off on a cross country run." "Hullo, we appear to have run out of milk. What ho, I'll just pop to the shops for a few hours."At any rate we had 3 subs, no spare props and it was freezing. I had to change hands frequently with the beer, such was the chill that day. For those who did turn up, full marks for effort as we were set for a tough time against the league leaders. We also had several late comers who went to the wrong field, couldn't get out of bed and all manner or tardy time keeping. No watches for Christmas obviously, or maps, phones, inspiration to ask, etc, etc.

The kick off was a little wayward, going 3 yards backwards. Early on the scrum began to creak and move to the rear with different velocity, not good to watch. We had a short period in their half in the early minutes, but spent a lot of time camped in our own for most of the half. An early try by Valley and no conversion. Again a misfire on the kick off, but a dramatic improvement. We were not firing together as a team, even after the seasonal sprouts. The joined up play, support and platform to make an attack looked to be limited. In defence we made a fair amount of good tackles, but at the same time we also missed a lot. The scrum was moving too quickly to the rear and Manu, left the field with a crick neck and Tony with fruits of the forest knee. We were uncontested, which probably saved some further points. Valley started pulling ahead in the first half and had 3 tries and a penalty by the whistle.

Half time and some reference to foo king zee ass and some pent up spitting. In the fountains of snot it was time to contemplate several amazing, yet controversial facts. William Webb Ellis didn't invent rugby and died in obscurity in France. This is a small town outside Reims, which also claims to be the heart of the Champagne district. It is unfortunate that sparkling wines were in fact an English invention, (methode chapenoise 1662) they couldn't stand the rank flat stuff sent over from France and fizzed it up using their ginger beer technology. Only to be copied and designated a special regional product after a load of moaning to the Belgians in the EEC. On the other side of the pond the Welsh Americans had realised that their only home grown sport (lacrosse was played in Canada also, but you can have basketball.) was in fact British invention. Base ball as it should be spelled was not the invention of Doubleday the civil war general in Cooperstown. You need to go back to 1744 which described the sport in England. In fact he was never in Cooperstown according to his diary. Why has it taken so long to expose these frauds in our midst? It is long overdue that someone takes the blame for these injustices, it can't be just the Welsh who get the blame. Anyway half time speeches over.

The second half just looked painful in many ways. A few patches of light in a dull display. Roy made a good break but was running out of steam and forced to kick for position. We had a spell trying close to their line, but were pushed off the ball by size. PA made a couple of strong runs bouncing off people, but it came to nothing. Smally began his line out throwing career, passing to the full back and someone several yards being the jumpers. Valley appeared to sub on a new centre and flanker who managed to link up and break the back line defence several times. Roy was looking tired trying to stop the onslaught at the back. We let in a fair amount of tries. Enough said, we had a lot of one way traffic, some unnecessary forflitten remarks and we were forrroasted. A tough day.

Final score Valley 47 Typhoons 0